I layed in bed last night tossing and turning knowing what today is…….my mamas birthday. You would think something like this would be easier. I mean, she lived a fantastic life, she travelled, she had successful businesses, she was involved in politics and the first woman president in Lions Club, and made history with things, with everything she did….such a strong, amazing woman. So why do I find myself sitting here right now with tears in my eyes and my heart aching…….because you just can’t replace your mama…(or your dad for that matter…..)
I still find myself wanting to call her when something happens or when I accomplish things. My dad and my mama were my biggest fans and always told me how proud they were of me, win or lose. They were proud of my effort and that I gave and did my best. So having to go through cancer without having either of them in my corner has been hard….or challenging maybe is a better word. Watching cancer take my mom from an independent, strong, woman to the woman the cancer medications made her at the end is still so hard to swallow. To see her suffer and to know that she will not get to see my three boys grow up, she won’t get to see them graduate or see them get married or help them through a broken heart……That she won’t be there next month when I get my next shot to tell me, don’t worry Michy, it will only last a few days, then the side effects will be gone and you know I love you.
I guess that’s what I miss is her voice. I miss her yelling at me, even though she said Italians just talked loudly! I miss her cooking and being able to call her at any time during the day to ask her how to make something or what ingredient I need. I miss calling her to ask her random questions because Aaron and I are having a talk or discussing things. I miss her ordering me around…I miss her words she used, like “evidently”….she said that a lot…and I’m not sure why that sticks in my brain! What I miss even more are the special kisses she gave to all of us kids and the grand kids and I make sure I give those special kisses to my boys so that they remember, those are Nona’s special kisses.
Usually on my mamas birthday after my dad passed away, I would send my mama her favourite flowers, pink carnations with babys breath. One of us kids would make sure every year on mamas day and on her birthday she had them because my dad would give them to her on every special occasion and they made her smile all the time – she loved the smell of them. So I sit here now picturing the flowers and their smell of spring and it brings a smile to my face…….
So even though I sit here and my heart is aching for another call, another hug or another moment with her, I know that I have to feel that and be aware. It’s okay to be sad and miss someone so important in your life. It’s okay to cry and let it out and it’s okay to be vulnerable with friends and family today.
I want to also focus on how amazing she is and celebrate her.Celebrate how even though when she had cancer they gave her 6 months to live that she lived for 4 years – because of prayers and sheer stubbornness and determination! She always told me, she had to live for my boys, that she wanted them to be able to remember her – what kind of incentive is that for a Nona? I will do my best to make sure they always remember her and what she did for them and how much she loved them. I will focus on the amazing things she did with her life and know that she was so proud of me and that if she could see what I was doing now, as a wife and mama, with my business, a blog, writing in an inspirational book and wanting to help others with my story that she would beam with pride and happiness. That makes me smile…..
I am blessed to have had a strong mother figure, who taught me business, common sense, cooking and how to love intensely and show love and to forgive. My dad and my mom taught me to see the best in everyone – that in every person there was something good and that we need to focus on that. Most of all, they taught me about true love and that marriage was effort, but when you love someone, you stay with it until the end and support each other and always be there for each other. I still wish to this day that my Papa Smurf could have met Aaron and see what an amazing man that I married. God picked out the perfect groom for me, better than I could have ever done on my own. I also know that everything happens in Gods perfect timing, not mine and I am thankful for each moment I had with both of my parents.
Cancer sucks – that’s just the honest truth. It has taken the most important people in my life sooner then they had to go…….in another way, it happened that way for a reason. It made my fight with cancer that much stronger. I don’t want cancer having any hold on me or my family and I believe that with Gods strength and wisdom, I will stay cancer free, I will be strong, I will go on to help others, (I pray) and that my journey is for a reason – a reason beyond my understanding and beyond anything I can try to figure out. It’s for me to just walk daily, while praising God and stand in complete faith that God is with me everyday in ALL things and as long as I continue to put HIM first, I know I can get through anything…….after all, HIS word says that with HIM ALL things are possible, and I believe His word over anything else……..
Happy birthday mama – we love and miss you……not a day goes by where we don’t talk about you or think of you, especially the boys……as a matter of fact, David still prays for Nona – you are missed, loved and deep down, I am so happy that you are no longer in pain…..rest in peace
Love your baby