The past four weeks have been extremely hard for me…..for so many different reasons. Travelling back to Canada was bitter sweet. Getting to show my husband Aaron and the boys where my dad is from in Rossburn, Manitoba was amazing and it was so great being there and having all those memories come back. Then driving to back to Thunder Bay was healing, yet so hard.
This is the first time I was back since my second mom, Lisa passed away in April and being there and not seeing her was so hard. Her daughter, my “little sister” AnnMarie and her family were there and it was such a blessing and a joy to be with them yet so strange that Lisa was not there with us. Every night that I was in Thunder Bay I cried….some days I weeped…..packing up all of my moms things was so hard. Even though most of the things were already packed up in boxes, I had to go through some things to make sure they were packed up well enough for the drive home to Texas. Picking up some of the crystal or the dishes would just bring back such vivid memories and it was hard not to cry……..for the happiness and joy of remembering using the dishes or glasses with my mom and dad or just knowing that I never would again……so harsh……..so final……….so sad……
This trip to Canada was such a healing one for me I believe in many ways. ……yet in others, it opened up wounds that I thought I had dealt with and that I thought had healed. This was a time I had to really accept that my mama was gone, that her things were coming home with me, because she was no longer on this earth. That I would no longer see her, hear her voice, hug her, sit in her “house” on the couch or get a hug and her special kiss…………it was almost like losing her all over again to be honest.
Then to come home and start to unpack all of her things was just heartbreaking in a way. The memories are so full of love and of my mom and dad, but to know that I have them, means that they are both gone from this earth…..that is so hard to accept at times. Then I unpack something else and I remember the good times, the memories that come with each item and I have to smile because it’s those memories that made me who I am today.
To be able to look at the Japanese table that my parents brought home from Japan when I was a little girl and see it in my living room is such a wonderful feeling. To remember sitting at it as a small girl and pretending to have tea and talking to my imaginary friends and remembering how it was to sit at the table, look up at my parents and smile…….that’s what I am focusing on……..the good memories……
So, when I sit down to have a glass of wine, what do I do? Well, I take a crystal wine glass out of the china cabinet I brought back that my dad bought for my mom and I drink out of that, knowing that’s what they would do. When company came over, whether they had a drink, water or wine, my parents used their crystal. They always told me that if you have it, use it, it’s not for show. They worked hard for everything they had so when anyone came over, crystal it was…………I want to do the same. My parents memories are not for show, they are to share, to bless others and to enjoy, that’s what my parents would want and that’s what I will do.
I’ve waiting so long to write because I feel I have so much to say, but my heart is so wounded at the moment that I don’t know exactly how to say it. All I know is that this is the best trip home that I have ever had. It was healing, I enjoyed each second of being with family and I appreciated every word, every hug , every second and every smoochy from everyone. All I know is that life is just too short and we need to enjoy each moment with friends, family and loved ones. I know that when I have the chance to be around family that I want them to know how much I love them and that I’m thankful for them in my life and I want them to know that because of them, my life is better. I love my family so much…..each person for a different reason. I am just so grateful and thankful for my time in Canada this summer and I just pray next year it can be a little bit longer so I can see more people and spend more time with people who make my life better.