The days leading up to my surgery were very difficult ones for me. My mama was in hospice in Canada, she was not responsive and she was quickly declining. Everyday I texted my brother and sister, asking questions, asking for updates…….basically harassing them because I could not be there myself. It’s hard being so far away when someone you love is suffering or sick, because you feel so helpless……and useless………and guilty for not being there.
I told my brother and sister over and over that as soon as they got “the call” about my mama, to text me asap and I would cancel my surgery for April 15th and just reschedule it. I had already spoken to the surgeons and they understood my situation and were working with me and said they would be flexible because of my circumstances.
I woke up many times each night just checking my phone to see if I got “the text” to see if my mama was still alive…..kinda stressful at times, but I knew there was nothing I could do other then wait and just trust that God would allow me to be able to go for the funeral as I knew in my heart I needed to be there to say good bye when the time came.
On April 14, the day before my surgery, I went for all my pre-op and I knew at this point I would be having the surgery and that I would just travel as soon as I could after surgery and I had made peace with that. My sister kept reminding me that I had to get the cancer OUT and worry about me right now, it was just so hard knowing my mama was at the end of her life.
I still remember getting ready to go in for surgery and wondering what news I would hear when I got out. I kept wondering if I would wake up to hear she finally passed away and was at peace and out of pain. So much went through my mind before this surgery and there was so much on my plate, that I still look at it and wonder how I got through each hour. Then I think about all the amazing people who were praying for me, and still are and how faithful and amazing God is that if He brings us to it, He WILL bring us through it. I know that the only reason I got through all of that, especially from February until the surgery was simply by the grace of God.