Well, what an interesting past two weeks it has been. I stopped my old breast cancer medications and started new ones, all within two days. That first week was rough to say the least ……on me, my boys and my husband. It takes some time for the meds to come out of your system….I learned…… and in the process saw that nothing is ever easy…..simple, yes, easy is another thing.
My mind is still so foggy from the medication and I can hardly remember what I did an hour ago, never mind the day before and I know it gets frustrating for my boys and my husband……..heck, it frustrates me like crazy! Aaron will tell me that he told me something and I’m like…….uh, no you didn’t…….and in reality, he sure did. It’s a challenge daily…..
I overheard him talking to someone twice now. I don’t know if he knew I heard or not but I know he wasn’t trying to hide anything, he was just being open an honest. Both times I heard, it brought me to tears. Hearing him describe “me”…..the side effects the medication are having on me……it’s a lot more then I ever think or maybe even realize. At one point he described me as living with someone with Alzheimer’s, but that he can’t get mad because he knows it’s not my fault. He said he has never seen me this bad and it breaks his heart to see what the medication does to me. To my mood, my body, my mind and just hearing him say that hurts my heart that he has to go through that.
I remember being in that same position. When my Papa Smurf had cancer, and watching him suffer and be in pain …….it still makes my heart hurt because there was nothing that I could do for him. Then being there off and on with my mama, since I was living in Texas was another time that I could see the pain she was in from her cancer, and see how the medication was changing her into someone else and I could not do a thing to help her. I remember being the person watching as the person you loved suffered or endured through a hard time………….now I see I’m on the other side and that Aaron has to endure the feeling of helplessness and it breaks my heart.
I never wanted to feel like a burden or hurt someone like that. I know it’s out of my control. I understand that it’s just something I have to go through to be a testimony about God and His amazing grace and love. There are times I just wish my boys or my husband did not have to be hurt in the process. I can empathize with their pain, their hurt and their frustration and helplessness………..I’ve been there and I pray everyday for them to just have complete peace from God and strength beyond measure from Him as well. I keep praying that all of us going through this will give us all extra compassion and love for others, no matter what they are going through.
It’s funny because as I mentioned in earlier posts, I thought after the surgeries that I was done – wooohooo, all over………I never knew for a minute that I would feel worse afterwards. I have seen some great things though. There are times God shows you why you go through things, and I think He is showing me. My mama was on tamoxifen. Near the end of her life, she changed, her moods, the way she was and the way she acted. We knew deep down it was the medications and not her, but it’s still so hard to see a loved one suffer or be hard and mean to you when you know they love you so much. Being on the tamoxifen myself, I can understand more now and I do have greater compassion because I know first hand that you honestly cannot control your thoughts or mind at times on medication. It can mess with you and your hormones……….it doesn’t define who you are though and I believe I needed to go through this so that I could see just a “glimpse” of what my mama went through and to be able to show greater grace and love to others.
As for the new breast cancer meds, they are coming with their new set of side effects. My head is still fogged up and I pray each day that those side effects will clear up. I think most of the tamoxifen is out of my system, and I keep praying that God will just keep His faithful hand on me showing me that I am not alone. I could not have gotten through one day without my faith in Jesus Christ and I am a very thankful and humbled person.
If you know anyone on medications and maybe they are harsh, or different then they used to be, please show grace. They have no control over their reaction to the medication and what means the most are the friends, family and loved ones who just support them and love them and show them that they are there through it all. That means more then words can ever say. To my husband, I am in awe of how amazing, how patience, how kind and loving you are to me through all of this. God really has blessed me with the perfect partner…………who else would put up with me????!!! 😉
Despite medication and a hard few weeks, I will still able to put on a Christmas Party for Toastmasters last night and keep it all together, even when I felt my mind was not attached. I did it with lots of amazing help and most of all, I did it because in the midst of my “storm”, God is showing me that I CAN DO ALL THINGS through Jesus Christ who gives me strength. I will never give up or be anything but positive as I see that God has a plan and I will be HIS yielded vessel……no matter what we have to endure, His way is always better. Amen……