Yep, Happy New Year it is! I have a lot to be thankful for in 2014, especially being able to go to Canada to spend Christmas with my siblings. Being there to have our first Christmas together without our mama helped make it very, very special. Because my boys are so young, it puts that magic in Christmas that my brother and sister needed………that’s what I think anyways.
I decided the day we left on December 19th that if I was going to enjoy the trip, I would not take my breast cancer medication. It just makes me so groggy, foggy, sleepy and for lack of a better word……dumb…that I just didn’t want to deal with it. I had TONS of visiting to do and medication would make me pass out at any time and dizzy and I was going to enjoy family and be somewhat clear headed, not fuzzy. Was I still “off”, of course, but much better then if I would have been taking the meds everyday.
I hardly slept during the whole trip to be honest as the medications (whether I am taking them daily or not) make me a bit of an insomniac and if I do happen to wake up for a few minutes in the middle of the night, there’s a GREAT chance I won’t be back to sleep for at least an hour or two. I honestly feel like I have not slept through the night since my surgery April 15th and I’m starting to get a bit tired………..so imagine how that on top of meds can mess with your brain, your mood and your perception on everything and anything.
The hardest part for me was taking my boys to see where my mama is at the mausoleum. That was hard. I had to explain that’s where they put her ashes and as I said the words I knew what would follow……her ashes? They burned Nona???? That was my middle boy David asking. Without thinking about the words I said them, realizing that they don’t even know what cremation is……..so we talked about it and how the bible said we came from ashes and that Nona went back to ashes and that when God comes back, her spirit will go to heaven with us and we will see her again. My oldest Daniel took it pretty hard and just kept saying that he wanted her to come back. Then Daniel told me that he wanted God to come back now to end the world so that we could all be together. Pretty deep for a 9 year old, and I totally can appreciate how his heart feels that way. My dad was beside her and I got to show the boys where he was as well, since he passed away before I even met Aaron.
It was hard, but needed to be done so that they could also say their good byes and and I could say “Merry Christmas” to them in my heart and see that her plaque was up and just to ………..be there…….so hard for me to explain………….all I can say is that Christmas was hard without her and yet, we all smiled and laughed and made sure all the boys and nephews and my niece all had a wonderful Christmas and made fantastic memories.
On the way home I started my meds again and within hours I felt those horrible side effects again. I got dizzy, my head was all scattered, I couldn’t put thoughts together which makes my speaking and sentences TERRIBLE and out of no where during the afternoon, the uncontrollable urge to just pass out……or feel like fainting. The new meds come with their own new perks on top of the other stuff, such as times where it’s hard to breathe or catch my breath, and muscle pain and aches and it gets to where it hurts to bend down and grab something. Aaron noticed one day in Canada and asked what what wrong, which is when I finally told him about all my muscle pain………he was not happy I didn’t let him know right away, but I didn’t want to bother him on vacation……..yes, that’s what I said…….shhhhh!
I am not a fan of feeling like a burden to others and the meds make me feel “sick” or “not right” which makes me not feel like I can really do everything I normally do, which makes me feel like I need to ask for help = burden. Deep down in my heart do I think that Aaron feels I am a burden………no, not at all, however, I want to be that energetic, goofy, silly, fun chiquita banana that he fell in love with………not this “foggy brained” Michelle. Will it be forever, no, I know that, but that’s then and this is now and I need to find a way to deal with NOW.
I have been praying for a couple of weeks for God to show me whether or not I should stay on the medication. I am supposed to be on it for 5 years and I can’t see that happening with all the side effects and how I feel. What would happen if I totally went off meds? I know I could change anything I need to eating wise as I already have changed sooooooooooo much and I know I can change more and I would……..I just don’t have that complete peace with an answer, yet. I know God will show me in His perfect timing what I need to do and if that means staying on meds and praising Him in everything I’m going through, then that’s what I will do. I am Gods yielded vessel and I know everything I go through is for a purpose. Do I always like it? Not a chance, but I also know things could be much worse and I am truly thankful for all I have and all I have been given.
I will continue to walk on the path God has given me and fight through the medication side effects and know that it will all work out for the glory of God. For my new year, I will continue to be obedient, show grace to others and enjoy each moment with my three boys and my amazing husband Aaron, showing them the unconditional love they show me. God is good all the time and I know 2015 will be a stellar year! God bless your 2015!