Going to the oncologist January 21st made me a bit anxious. My medications were giving me pretty harsh side effects and I kept praying for real clarity on what to do. All I kept getting is to wait until the appointment and to be honest about how I feel.
A big struggle for me is telling anyone, especially Doctors exactly how I’m feeling. I like to just shrug things off as “I’m fine” and “I’m doing great, could be worse” because in fact, I am fine and things could be worse. I don’t like to burden people and I don’t like to even think for a second that the meds will get the best of me, so I almost try and ignore it……kinda funny to try and ignore some of my side effects, but I sure do my best! 😉
I have learned with breast cancer, you have to give ALL the side effects and keep a list as this is how they can monitor you, the meds and if they have to look for anything else. So, I’ve honestly been doing my best this year (yep, this year!) to be honest about exactly how I’m feeling. So, when we went in to meet with the oncologist on that Wednesday, she asked what was happening and I pulled out my list…….I guess I’m that small percentile person that has all the side effects you hear about on the commercials – I”M SUPER SPECIAL! hee hee!
At one point I told her I have uncontrollable chills, every day, and night. She was like.”chills???” Usually people get hot flashes, I have never heard of anyone getting chills”. Yep, that’s me, unique Michelle! For those of you that know me, you know I’m a human heater and wear shorts all year round, so for me to be cold is unknown territory for me.
We took out one of the medications for now because it’s doing more harm then good. I will stay on the Zoladex for now and we will monitor my Estrogen, since I was Estrogen positive for my breast cancer. This is just another step in my journey. I will try this and see how I am and if my side effects go away. There’s always other paths to take, however, today, I feel this is where I need to be and I have peace with that.
Because some of my side effects included blurred vision, dizziness, nausea, bone pains, muscle aches and forgetfulness (that’s a polite way to put it) she said we should do a head scan/MRI to make sure everything is fine. Then after telling her more side effects, she also ordered a bone scan. The logical part of me understood as I would rather they check everything and make sure it’s just side effects from the medication and nothing else. Then there was the other part of me. My dad passed away after the cancer he had spread and went to his brain. My mom had just passed away last year from bone cancer. Can you guess where my head went? I stayed strong in the office even though I was ready to break down and cry just from the shear memories of what those two tests represented.
I usually text a couple of key people after my important appointments and I wasn’t even in a good enough place to do that…….in fact a couple of them will find out by reading this. I finally texted my sister and told her that at first it freaked me out but then I realized I would rather them check everything then to miss something. She agreed and spoke positively to me because I think deep down she knew I was still freaking out a bit. Am I still? Yes, honestly I am. But then there’s also a part of me that sees Gods unwaivering love, faithfulness and strength. God has been with me through every minute of this and He’s not going anywhere now. As long as I keep my faith in Jesus Christ and I rely only on Him for strength and peace, that is what I will have.
Then I go back and listen to the song that makes me cry, gives me strength and reminds me………I will Praise YOU in this storm, I will lift my hands, for You are who you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I cry, you hold in your hands, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn…….I will praise you in this storm…….(Casting Crowns)