Almost all of February has passed and I have not written anything………not because I haven’t been going through things, and not because I haven’t wanted to…maybe just because this month has just been more overwhelming then I thought it would be. February has become a month full of different emotions for me. I’m still in shock almost that February 27th, 2014 the words “you have breast cancer” were said to me. I just never imagined that ……and the past year has been almost a blur….maybe that’s a good thing…..
February used to be just like any other month, and for some reason this year when it came, I was a bit more emotional. Almost like the past year had caught up with me. The exhaustion, the hurt, the pain, the loss, the difficulties, the stress, the worry and anxiety……I think it also caught up with Aaron. It has been a year full of so much emotion and Aaron has been such a rock through it all, that eventually even he needed a “what the heck” moment! I can appreciate how hard it is being with someone going through cancer, or any hard time. It’s very draining and emotionally hard because you really do not have any control and for anyone that’s hard, for a man especially.
There are so many times this month that I just felt like a burden and that my family and friends have had to put up with so much because of me this year. Between the surgeries, the medications, reconstruction and still working on the meds, it seems almost never ending. My heart goes out to everyone because they have been so kind with me and full of grace and it hurts my heart to know that I’m not the same and they have had to suffer because of me. I know deep down it’s not me, it’s the meds, however there are days when I feel like I’m just a burden and I wish they didn’t have to suffer because of me…….
These are the days I pray even more, because I know it’s the devil trying to take my joy, take my promises and take my belief or faith a bit……..I have had to stop and realize that every day, every minute has been part of MY journey, part of MY road and part of what is growing me closer to my Lord Jesus Christ. When I was feeling most like a burden is when I should have written here to get it out. The more you say it and put it out there, the less power the enemy has over you and I know that……..I just didn’t do it.
I am going to embrace the rest of February and treat it no differently. Yes, February is the month that I was diagnosed with cancer, when this whole walk began of ups and downs and this is also the month that made me a stronger woman. This is the month that taught me to show even more empathy towards people. This month taught me that everyone is going through a struggle, whether I see it or not and that I have the power to change peoples lives by just being kind and showing love and not judgement to others. This is the month that I realized even more how important my family is and how important it is to have good friends by your side that you can trust and that will love you through everything……even the darkest of times.
So, I’ve realized that February is really a month of joy…….a month that I needed for me to grow and become a better person and have a closer walk with God and to learn to put EVERY little worry, doubt, care, anxious thought, ANYTHING at His cross, for it’s not mine to bear……….for His word says, my yolk is easy and my burden is light…….so why do I keep insisting on trying to carry it myself…….because I”m human……so here I am giving it to you God, I am not a burden, I am a child of the one true King and I am thankful for every blessing in my life……including my cancer free health. Praise God….for God is good all the time.