So odd to think that one year ago today, I went in for my first surgery, my bi-lateral mastectomy. It’s really where and when everything started for me as it really became real. It’s almost like today is a day that has a meaning to it….almost of loss, also of victory and overcoming. As a woman, it’s hard to even imagine losing a part of you that makes you a woman. What do you do when you lose your breasts, by your own choice? I still remember waking up after surgery and finding out that they found more cancer than they originally thought and that they got it all………it was such a joy to hear that and to know that I made the right choice.
Still last night when I was in bed, knowing what today was, I almost could not sleep. I thought back to last year and all that happened and what I was facing a year ago. I wonder how I had all of that strength to get through the healing and the surgery and then I get to see again how God has been with me through it all. How He has been right by my side, giving me strength and His peace and love. How else could I have ever done it, surely not by my own strength.
I still look at myself differently. I still have not slept through an entire night, for having “lumps” on my chest that are not mine or natural is still something I have to get used to. I still am completely numb in a few areas including my chest and arm. I still look in the mirror and see the scars of the surgery that happened last year today. There are times that I just stare in the mirror and look at myself………with such mixed emotions. I see the scars, the figure that doesn’t even look like it belongs to me, because it is not what I grew up with. I see the scars on my stomach from the fat grafting and I see the scars under my left arm from where they took out all of my lymph nodes. There are times I just stare and think about it all with tears in my eyes……….and then just as I think it’s just too overwhelming, Gods love pours over me…..
God shows me that I am beautiful, that the scars show victory in the trials and tribulations I went through this past year. The scars show strength in Gods word and in His faithfulness. God keeps showing me that all of those “scars” have built up my faith, made me stronger than I ever thought and gives me a deeper understanding to those around me. I always knew beauty came from the inside, from peoples hearts. When you are a kind soul, it just shines from within, I believe that. I am learning to believe an see that about my self and my body as well. I’m slowly learning to embrace my scars and not be afraid or ashamed of them, because those scars make me who I am today. Those scars gave me hope, joy and taught me how to praise God through ALL things.
Today was a hard day to face for many reasons, yet in others such a happy day for it’s the day that cancer was removed from me. It’s the day I could show others how amazing God is and what He can do when you stand in faith.
Yet, when today comes I know what’s also coming in two days. Yes, two days is my husband Aarons birthday which is the light of my life. It’s also the day I came home from the hospital and found out my mama had passed away. I can’t believe that this Friday April 17th will be one year since my mama died. I can’t believe the time has gone by so quickly. It just seems like yesterday that I spoke to her on the phone and heard her voice. My heart is still so broken for losing her and even my middle son David last night was saying how much he missed “Nona” and that he wanted her back………….I couldn’t agree more with him. Our hearts are still broken and we long to see her again and share everything with her that has happened this year. I want to hear her tell me how proud she is of me and Aaron and I want to hear her say one last time how much she loves her little Einstein, her Chief and her Happy. I long to hear the words, I love you Michy….
I will do everything I can Friday to make it special for Aaron for it is about him, it’s his day and I will make sure he knows he is loved. I will also take some time in quiet to honour my mama, cry for my loss, because I need to get it out and show the boys, it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to feel sad. It’s also important to remember all the good things and smile and laugh and remember how blessed we are that she was in our lives. That she was my mama and their Nona and we need to keep those happy thoughts in our mind so that we can think of her, and smile.
Thank you again God for not only getting me though this past year, but doing it with such love, support, strength and grace. Without the love of God and His faithfulness it really would have been hard to smile everyday. But I look at all of my blessings……Aaron, Daniel, David, Dylan……my family and friends…..my health and healing…..how can I not smile, raise my hand and praise the one where my help comes from – my help comes from the Lord, creator of Heaven and earth. For as the bible says, I can do ALL things though Christ who gives me strength….I know this for I could not have done it alone. Praise God, for He is good all the time. Amen