I feel like I have not had a minute to write during the summer. Maybe it was because all of my boys were home and I wasn’t scheduling the proper time to write, maybe it was just because the few moments I had free, I opted to lay down. Either way, I didn’t make the time.
I think that since coming back from Canada in July I was even more homesick, because I had the best time and the best visit ever this time. As hard as it was being there without my mom and having to pack up her things to drive back, it was also comforting knowing that I now have so many things of my parents in my home……..that to me is precious. The week we got home, I immediately got a shot 3 days later and the side effects from that lasted just over 3 weeks……it was exhausting to be brutally honest. I would be good for a few hours in the morning, when I would work on my business, Ambit Energy and get groceries or do things that really needed to be done and then by noon, EVERYDAY, I would pass out. I would pass out so hard that when I woke up, I had to figure out where I was and what day it was. I felt as tired as if I just ran a marathon or something, yet, I didn’t……..
After a few weeks, it really takes its toll on me and my body and then by week 2 I would have such pain in all of my muscles and bones that I could hardly stand up from the couch without being in pain. Just the motion of bending my knees from sitting to standing sent pains shooting and I had to just grin and bear it, knowing that any day now, that pain will go away. I’m just so thankful for such an amazing God…..through all of this, the boys would have “quiet time” and watch a movie snuggling me while I was passed out and my oldest Daniel would get snacks for his two brothers since mama was “napping”, which means, I was passsssed out cold!
For us to go through this summer with so much help and compassion from my children just amazed me and makes me so thankful I can’t even express. There was so much more I would have liked to do with my boys this summer, yet I have to just know that I can only do, what I can do and that I have to just not be hard on myself and know I’m doing the best I can at that moment. I just keep praying that the side effects from my meds don’t affect the boys too much. With the drowsiness, being tired, and mood swings I just hope they see my heart and that they see how much I love them. I just keep praying that the side effects will get less in time……that the mood swings stop and that my hormones can go back to some normal levels so that my family does not have to suffer because I had cancer. That is a guilt that I live with every day and when I can’t stop some of the side effects, my guilt will wash over me, making me feel like such a burden and not the best to be around. I mean, who wants to watch their mama lay down, for hours a day, EVERDAY?????
It’s times like this that I felt bad enough that I didn’t want to write and share how I was feeling. I felt bad that I’m not stronger, that I’m not conquering all of these meds……..then I have to stop and pray and remember that God pours HIS grace all over me, that He knows how I feel and what I need and then I have to realize that I have to show MYSELF grace in these times. That if I can’t stop and just forgive myself and show myself some compassion, that it can’t get better. I have to stop and remember that everything happens for a reason. When I look back, I can see how much God has blessed me through all of this and I have to just stand in complete faith knowing that Gods hand is on me and that if I’m passed out, it’s because my body needs the rest so God can heal me and renew me. I need to just remember that daily and share that with my boys so that they too know how God is working in our lives.
Summer is over and it makes me sad. I’m honestly not ready for the boys to go back as I will miss our afternoon “quiet time” and our snuggles on the couch, even if I am napping. I’m so thankful for the beautiful hearts of my boys, for being so forgiving, so compassionate and so full of love and that they believe in Jesus Christ……I know that’s what makes my life so much sweeter. Thank you God for your grace and strength, today I will be more loving towards ME………