I love mama’s day, I always have – I loved smelling pink carnations and babys breath, that’s what my dad always bought for my mama…….and when I think of this day, I remember those beautiful flowers and my mom. Being a mom, the one thing I love best is having snuggles with my three boys, Daniel, David and Dylan and having them tell me how much they love me – that’s what melts my heart….there’s nothing better than hearing those words from your children. (other than being able to sleep in!!!)
The past few weeks, especially the past few days have been a struggle for me. There have been numerous occasions where I have needed to talk to my mama, ask her advice, her guidance, her help, vent to her or wanted to just hear her voice to tell me that everything was going to be alright. Not being able to has been a challenge. No other way to say it. I miss her like crazy. I want my mom.
There’s some things you just want to talk to you mama about, to confide in her and know that she not only has your back, but that she will also tell you the truth and kick your butt in line if you need it and give you a praise or extra loving if you need that too. My mom was great at both of those things.
The past couple of days when things came up, I just had such an overwhelming feeling of grief……which is shocking as it’s been two years since she passed away. May is a hard month, it’s not only mothers day, it’s also her birthday and this month has always been “her month”. My temper has been too quick, my emotions have been high, my patience has not been what it should and I have not been as kind as I am supposed to be as a mama and a Christian. Period. I’m ashamed of that, and I will do better……….
I could not stop crying last night or this morning after I got up. I drove to my eye doctor appointment this morning after reading to Dylan’s class at 8:30am and cried on the way there. Just before I left the school at 8:51am, I stopped and posted something on facebook “If you happen to see this post today, please lift me up in prayer…..thank you my prayer warriors.” That’s all I put. I knew that I was struggling and that I had to reach out for prayer. I didn’t have to be specific, there are times, we can just ask for prayer and people will pray……..the amount of grace, love and kindness I was shown throughout the rest of the day was God using many people to touch my life and show comfort and love.
My eye doctor, Dr. Caroline Wells, made a point of talking to me before my appointment and asking if I was okay……..you see, she saw my post and she cared enough to ask. I shared with her how I was feeling and that I was missing my mama…….that nothing huge happened, just a feeling of loss. It’s hard enough losing a parent, or both, as I have. When you lose your mom to cancer just as you were yourself diagnosed with breast cancer, it’s even more challenging. Then to go through cancer without the support of your mama…….is another kind of hard. There are times it hits me and I just mourn her death and I miss being able to talk to her or hear her voice. That’s okay……I’m human. I still miss my dad terribly as well…….especially during December – that’s just the way it is.
To see such compassion from someone I had only met one time, was God shining His light and I felt it and I am so thankful for beautiful kind hearts like Dr. Wells. To top it off, she handed me a gift certificate to go and treat myself to a pedicure…….I really needed a break, some me time and it was almost confirmation to go and sit back and relax and just be still……….
Double blessing as my friend Johanna met me for a quick pedicure and we just sat there and relaxed……..it was what I needed………again, she took time out of her day to comfort me and be a beacon light that I was needing……..
I then got to go to Dylans class for Mommy Makeover Day in the afternoon! Yep! Where they do your hair, makeup and spoil you. It couldn’t have been better and again, my heart was so happy because all I could hear was Dylan telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was…….All God pouring His love over me…..
Right now it’s almost time for the boys to come home from school. It’s my middle son David’s 8th birthday and he is so excited! We are having a party for him and I want to make sure it’s special for him and he has an amazing time. I don’t want my sadness to affect his special day. He is my spiritual one, and I know at some point today he will say, he misses Nona (my mom) or mention her name. I may cry again and he may too – and that’s okay. The fact that we miss her, shows how important she was in our lives……
I want this Sunday, mama’s day, to be filled with laughter, love, fun, joy and memories…….yes, some will be sad as I will miss my mama, but I want the majority to be of all the amazing, wonderful memories I have of my mom and times with her. I want my boys to see me laughing so we can create our memories. I reached out on Facebook today, because I know that if I didn’t that sadness could have over taken me – especially when I look back over the past two and a half years and all that has happened and changed in my life.
There are times I will struggle, we all do, but when we can stop and reach out to others and ask for prayer and love, it’s amazing how many people will be there to lift you up, love on you, comfort you and who God will put in your path to make you smile and show you true joy. The more transparent we are to each other, the more we can minister to each other and show each other grace and kindness. Today I am struggling and I may right until my moms birthday passes, the difference is that I have acknowledged it and I won’t let it have power over me.
Thank you all of my friends and family who have been lifting me up – some of you I have never even met in person and yet you are so important to me and want the best for me. That is what life should be – supporting each other, helping one another and lifting each other up so high that the enemy has no reach……..
Praying love and comfort over all that read this, especially if you are having your own struggle at the moment, whether it is because of mama’s day coming up or something else….may God put people in your path that shine His wonderful light on you and bring you comfort, peace and joy.
Just goes to show again how wonderful people in my life are…………God is good all the time……..