When something bad happens who do you automatically want to call? Your mama? Your dad? A sister, brother or friend? There’s usually someone you want to share news with, good or bad. Me too…..
My mama was suffering from bone cancer in Canada and in hospice. She had been diagnosed with bone cancer almost four years before and fought like the stubborn Italian woman that she was. I actually had been up in Canada in early February to see her, because my heart told me again and my gut (remember about when your gut tells you to do something – listen!). I always think that’s one way I hear from God, it’s that “feeling” or “gut feeling” that you know you need to do something. It’s almost like God nudging you in the right direction. I’m thankful for all my “nudges”.
When I went up to see my mama, it was my last time with her. She had been in an induced coma and by Gods grace came out of it the night I arrived. I got to spend a few good days with her and had some good talks with her and we prayed together, which I loved. I could see how the medication affected her moods, her memory and her personality and even though I know my mama was in there, it was not really her anymore. She was suffering from pain and it was so hard to watch for everyone and I can’t imagine what it was like for her. No one should ever suffer like that.
Anyays, once I got home and I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I called my brother Danny to let him know and then I told my sister Julie. After talking with them, and considering how my mama was, we all thought it would be better if I didn’t tell her. What would it help? It would only make her suffer more knowing her baby had cancer, that there was nothing she could do. If I had known before I went there, I may have told her, because we would have been face to face, I really don’t know. I just know that it wasn’t right to tell her and make her suffer even more. My heart longed to tell her, to tell my mama I’m sick and to just hear her say, it’s okay Michy, you are going to be just fine. That’s what I wanted to hear. I knew with all the meds that she was on that she probably wouldn’t be saying that, even if deep in her heart she felt it.
That’s been such a hard thing for me. I know telling her would have been selfish and as much as I wanted her to be there for me like she had been so many other times, I knew that this time, I had to lean on God and my husband and my family and friends. I had reached out to prayer warriors all over and asked for prayer and let them know that my mama didn’t know, but to pass on to anyone they knew that would pray. I have been very open about having cancer and allowing people to see that it does not have to define you or bring you down, that you can take control of your own life by proclaiming your own truth and taking the victory.
I still think to this day that my mama knew “something” was wrong. I think it’s just mama instincts, or that “gut feeling” that you have with a child. The last few phone calls we had, she would ask me if there was something I wanted to tell her. All I would say is that I loved her very much and I missed her and then I would ask if she wanted to pray. I would hang up and cry my eyes out, feeling like I was lying to her, yet knowing in this case, it was best for her. No one ever said that doing the right thing was easy……….