Today is a day filled with so many emotions………April 17th……….this is a day that my husband Aaron was born, that without this day and him being born, my life would not be what it is. I would not be able to spend each day with the love of my life, and my best friend and I would not have three amazing boys that make my heart so full…..(and frustrated at times!!!) I love to celebrate today and make it about Aaron since he is not really a birthday person and I’ve made it my personal mission to have him love birthdays like I do!
Then there was April 17, 2014………the day I got home from the hospital from my bi-lateral mastectomy, which had already been quite a life changer, and then getting the call as soon as I got home that my mom had passed away after years of suffering with bone cancer. How bitter sweet of a day for me and for Aaron……
There’s not too many days that go by that I don’t think of my mom or want to call her for some advice. Just on Friday we had a double 1980s birthday party for Aaron and me and I had pre made some homemade lasagna and cannelloni for the party, following my mama’s recipe of course! Then I froze them, like I had done several times before and I had the directions written down on how to cook it from fresh and frozen……from my mom, on her little index card that she had given me where I wrote all of her recipes down.
Friday came and I put the food in the oven and ninety minutes later, I checked the oven……..still part FROZEN! My first instinct, was to call my mom and ask her what happened and what to do! Even though it had been over two years of talking to her on the phone, it’s still the first thing that pops into my mind. I say over two years of talking to her because at the end of her life when she was in hospice, we didn’t even get to talk on the phone anymore so it has been a long time since I have heard her voice……….what I would give to hear her say one more time “I love you Michy” or “I’m so proud of you Michy”. Two sentences she told me very, very often and just thinking of it makes my heart smile……..and my eyes fill up with tears………..
The loss of a parent, or both parents in my case is just something you can’t prepare for. Does it get easier? For me………not really. There’s so much I still want to share with them and show them and things with my kids I want to tell them, so many questions I want to ask them and more time…….but I also know that it’s not about what I want or what I think is best. Doesn’t make it easier, but I know I wouldn’t have grown as close to God as I have without the loss of both my mom and dad at different times. I know I would not have the strength I do to get through things without having to put ALL of my faith and trust in God and dealing with so much loss almost forced me to do so as I had to make a choice………..and I chose God.
Today is a day that I can feel myself on the verge of tears and then I look at Aaron and my heart is filled with so much joy that God put us together. Gods plans are always so much better than what we could imagine. To have a day where both Aaron was born and my mom left this earth is something that I feel is perfectly planned by God. If my mom had passed away on another day, that whole day would be filled with grief and sadness for me, but that’s not how it is. Today I will laugh, smile and probably cry and that’s okay, I will remember all of the wonderful things about my mom – her kindness, her love and how she always lifted me up and Aaron and how she was a crazy amazing cook and business woman. I will also remember how bossy she was, how we secretly called her “Marie” (Everybody loves Raymone!!) and how we, as her kids would harass her and start food fights or change things in her living room to drive her crazy because everything had to be “just so”! Just thinking of all that makes me smile so big I can’t even explain and I miss those times, yet I cherish the memories with my heart!
Today is a day to celebrate my husband and love of my life Aaron, and while I do that there will be moments that I may walk away or go have some quiet time, just to reflect and remember my mom……and to thank God for all He has given me……….and even more, to thank God for all He provides and thank Him for His perfect ways……..
I miss you with my whole heart mama……….
Aaron, you are the reason I smile and I am so thankful to have you in my life……..
My heart is broken from loss, but so full at the same time from the love of God and my family all around me – God is good all the time….